What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
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she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
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You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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