Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
