well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
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