ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Randomize
