i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Randomize
