Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Randomize
