when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
