I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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