I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
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