My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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