Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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