just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
