I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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