he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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