guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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