well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
