you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
How does one acquire holy water?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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