She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
third nipple confirmed
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
