I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
