you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
