It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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