We got so high we made milksteak
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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