You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
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