In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
There is a new fb quiz: "are you at ypical woman, future ex or from crazy town" - should i take it?
Aren't all three of those the same though?
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again