tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
