why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
