Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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