Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
