Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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