cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
