i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
