lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
