Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Randomize
