he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
