I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I just found a bag of teeth...
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
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