You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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