Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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