He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Everyone says I win the strip club
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
