Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
