So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
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He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
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