Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Welp...herpes.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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