I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
