This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
