How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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