I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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