I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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