don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
