4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
