Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
