I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
A+ Viking dick
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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