Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Randomize
