I wannas sexs uuuuu
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
