My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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