dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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