The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
