she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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